Do Not Ever Give Up!

 Ok, folks. This is a long one, so grab your favorite beverage of choice, and be prepared to stay a while. There are so many thoughts running through my head after today’s series of practice sessions. So, without further ado, here it goes.

Here’s a little exercise, or imagination game for my readers. Try writing with your non-dominant hand, and see how hard it is for your brain to translate a simple function as trying to form letters and words. You’ve known those letters and words for the majority of your life, so you should be able to write them, and write them nicely, right? Why is it so hard? Is it frustrating that your once neat and legible writing is now messy and nearly illegible? It’s incredibly frustrating to you because something you have taken for granted for most of your life is now difficult and slow. Should you cave and think it’s good enough to switch back to your dominant hand, and nobody will be the wiser?

That is my temptation right now.

To this pianist who is used to a sustain pedal to cover up years of bad fingering habits, there isn’t any room for mistakes in fingering. Not only that, but there is a whole set of new musical symbols that apply in organ music, as well as learning how to play the bass line, or foot pedals. There is so much more that my brain has never had to deal with, or has had to relearn a totally different way. My entire brain is being re-wired in order to play with proper fingering and technique applicable to the organ. What was once a simple hymn for me on the piano, is now a frustrating, overwhelmingly difficult piece. Granted, I am playing simplified pieces of well-known favorites, but my organ teacher was correct when she warned me this would be a blow to the ego. And, it really has been.

The official word is, I now have one month to get myself passable enough to play in front of the congregation. Sure, I have the power and right to be able to say that I am not ready and need more time. Nobody is forcing me to do anything here.  But, I will not do that. I have signed up for, and accepted a “race.” Giving up and asking for more time is not acceptable for me now.  In some ways, I am grateful this happened now, rather than a couple of years ago. Why, do you ask? Let me explain.

See, my entire life, I have tried to be a runner. I would start a running program, and the first month or more of training would be absolutely miserable. There were many times over the years that I bagged it, and completely gave up. But, after countless attempts at running over the years, I finally told myself last year that this time, I would not give up. Nothing short of losing body limbs or life would stop me! Nothing! If trying to become a runner would send me to my grave, so be it. I wanted it that badly!

 I gave myself three months, and signed up for a 5K that would take place after three weeks of a nine week training period.  Signing up for a race would help keep me motivated to stick with my running program, even on the most frustratingly miserable training sessions. If I was not ready to increase my distance the next week, I would repeat a week until I felt ready to progress to the next week. This continued on week after week, after week, until the week finally came (two weeks before race day, because I had to repeat a difficult week) where I could easily run 5K. Oh, the elation I felt that all of my hard work had paid off was indescribable.  It was one of the single, most exhilarating experiences of my entire life!

                                
                                   Here I am after crossing the finish line for my first 5K!



 The impossible had happened, all because I finally believed in myself, and employed a huge bit of determination and dedication. I think what had failed me in my running attempts before, was not believing in myself, and having a bit of low-self esteem. Dropping out of college, and other life failures over the years, trained me to not believe in myself. Negative reinforcement and bad thoughts are absolutely crippling for any task we attempt in life. That destructive way of thinking is what has prevented me from achieving many life dreams. I decided last year, I was sick of living this way, and that is why I signed up for my first race.

I see much of the same pattern repeating itself as I attempt to learn a new musical instrument. As mentioned in previous posts, my dream has always been to play the organ. And, I am grateful to my running program, which taught me that a ton of hard work and determination will win the game. Yes, there were hard and incredibly difficult days. I wanted to quit my running program many, many times. There were days where I cried and wondered what the hell I had gotten myself in to.  The key was to push past them, and not give up. Simplifying things, if necessary, was in order to advance to the next level. Was I perfect on race day? No. Was I slow? Yes. Did I run the 5K as I had trained so hard to do? Yes! What matters most is, that we accomplish what we set our minds to do.

My goal for my “race day” (i.e. when I play for the congregation for the first time) is to not be perfect. All I can do is the best I can, and try my very hardest to remember all I have worked so hard to do. I am sure nerves will kick in, and my performance will be less than stellar. Like my running program, I know there will be incredibly tough days. I am sure there will be many tears as well.  However, my goal, as in my first 5K race, will be to finish what I started. Lengthening my stride and improving my race time had to be perfected over the months, just as learning more difficult pieces on the organ will be.

In some ways, I am sad that it took me 38 years to believe in myself. I think of all the wasted opportunities that were turned down by me because of that self-destructive attitude.  But, I am grateful that it did eventually happen. Some people never learn to believe in themselves, and struggle their whole lives. It makes me sad because I was once one of them. If finally  believing in myself had not happened last year, then I can say without a doubt that my old patterns of giving up when the going got tough, would have kicked in here. Heck, I might not have had the self-confidence to attempt playing the organ at all, and probably would have pushed the dream back once again for fear of failure.

 In conjunction with my running program, I was also able to lose over 45lbs last year, and that also took a ton of hard work and dedication. Together with running and my weight loss, I have finally realized that we can do anything we put our minds to.

Hard work and determination is what wins the game, dear readers. Some of us learn that early in life, and others, like me, sadly learn it late in life. Please do not ever give up. If you’re like I once was and do not believe in yourself, you will never succeed. The power of the mind is incredibly powerful! It has the power to make or break you!  Make up your mind that you will not give up, no matter what. Take it slowly, and know it will get better over time. Please know that it will!  I can testify of that! Have faith in yourself, and know that even if faith does not come fully until you cross that finish line (like it did for me) you will have finally won the long, hard battle.

I am determined to finish this latest “race” I have set for myself. Will you finish your first, or next "race?"

Now, go get ‘em, and believe in yourself. Give yourself that precious and priceless gift.